Four Humiliating Things Rukia Never Did
by willag
Summary: There were four humiliating things that Rukia never did throughout her time as a shinigami, starting when she first was offered to join the Kuchiki family. They revolve around Pride, Guilt, becoming a Kuchiki, & being Rukia. Hints of RenRuki & IchiRuki.
1. Pride

**Four Humiliating Things Rukia Never Did…**

**The First**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach nor the characters within.

WARNING: There be hints of RenRuki in this chapter. (YAY! My favorite Bleach couple!)

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_**Because Pride was her first confidant…**_

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Rukia stared up at him, desperation thrumming through her veins. Blood was rushing to her head at an alarming speed and then escaping just as quickly making her see stars. As hot as she should have felt, it was almost as if frigid water was being pumped throughout her body. Her heart was the coldest.

Why was he saying these things?

She tried to keep her facial expression detached, her posture casual (or as casual as Rukia ever became), but she was failing. Her emotions were escaping, taking control of her body. He was able to keep better control than her. He was acting better, playing the part better. If it weren't for the fact she could read him so well, she would have thought he didn't care at all.

Why was he giving things up so easily?

She could feel her hands shake slightly so she clenched them into fists while he hugged her shoulders… his grip was so tight. She could feel her eyes start to prick and tingle so she lowered her head as he began slapping her right shoulder… each one was harder than the last.

Why wasn't he fighting for her? Why?! Didn't he know that she… that she…

And then it came in a moment of clarity. It was about Pride. It was about the game, the competition… always coming out on top. Ever since they were younger, they were always competing. Life was easier to deal with if one just looked at it as a game. And the most important game to play, as both learned after living in Rukongai for so long, was the game of survival.

Survival was control, but because control was in the hands of fate – a most finicky bitch if there ever was one, leaving life up to chance – one had to pretend to be in control… play the part.

"Sou ka."

Pride was the shield to keep others from one's own thoughts. Pride was the wall to hide one's feelings behind. Pride was the façade to keep a person from going insane. Pride maintained some sort of semblance of control, even while everything else was falling to pieces. With Pride, one could pretend.

She took a hold of the arm that just recently slapped her shoulder, ready to move it off of her.

Wait, maybe there was something more to it than that. She paused for a quick second.

Perhaps there was a part of him that thought this would be best for her, that she would be happiest leaving now… No, they both knew the truth about that. It was all about Pride, nothing else.

She continued with her previous motions until his arm was pushed back against his body.

He didn't want her to go, but he'd pretend to because it was a safe choice. Pride was safe. It was all up to her now.

She stilled her motions, keeping her hands on his arm.

She could play along with the charade, go with the motions, keep the distance, stick with the familiarity of Pride. It was the easiest choice at this moment… oh, so simple to stay with routine and fall back on an old friend. And they'd both eventually get over it, become colder and stronger, because both were masters of survival. Pride wouldn't let them be anything else.

Her hands tightened slightly. It was time to act, to play, to leave…

…to leave…

She threw his arm out of the way and leaped into his chest, her arms wrapping around his waist in grip as tight as death. She clung desperately, fear overriding her senses. It was horribly shameful and frightening what she was doing. But the alternative was even worse. And she knew if she let go now then she would run.

His arms wrapped around her immediately, almost as if on instinct. His grip was probably just as tight as hers. They stayed like that for a while, clinging to one another, until Rukia felt her legs give. Good, now she wouldn't be able to run.

They dropped to their knees at the same time, though they never lost their hold. It just shifted slightly until she was facing his chest instead of abdomen.

She buried her face into his chest moving her head side to side in an attempt to use his clothing to destroy any remaining evidence of her weakness. Her decision was pitiful enough; he needn't see more. It was a pathetic attempt, but neither one of them commented on it.

After several minutes of silence, she turned her face up to look at him straight in the eye. He looked just about as scared as to be expected, which wasn't much from anyone else's point of view. But she was Rukia and he was Renji, and she knew him just that well. He was just as lost as her standing in the path of something completely brand new and unknown.

But as long as they were together she could deal with it.

She offered him a hard glare that didn't quite reach her eyes as much as normal.

"You… bastard. You will not get rid of me that easily."

She watched as he struggled to give his usual cocky grin, but it never quite reached further than a soft, awkward smile.

"Aa."

And nothing more needed to be said.

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A/N: My first Bleach fanfic. Hooray.

I'm quite disappointed the scene above never happened. But that's just me.

And just as a warning, this is probably the only one of the four that won't be depressing (well, unless if you hate the RenRuki coupling, which means that you're probably highly depressed after reading this). Oh well, no skin of my bones. It's your own fault for reading it if you do.

Anywho, please R&R! Thank you!


	2. Guilt

**Four Humiliating Things Rukia Never Did… **

**The Second**

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach nor the characters within.

WARNING: This chapter is very dark, bloody, and angsty. Character deaths. Also, slight hints at KaienRukia (if perhaps a little one-sided).

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_**Because she was selflessly loyal to a fault to her sadistic master, Guilt… **_

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She ended up unable to follow orders. He was too worthy to die right here in such a gruesome and horrid way. Honorable, generous, powerful people like him deserved life ten times more than cockroaches like her. If by sacrificing her life she could save his, then there could be no other choice. 

Many people still needed him. The squad would be devastated if he were to die here. Harsh reality needed more people like Kaien-dono. Between him and Taicho, they could build a splendid and proud 13th Division filled with many honorable, strong shinigami. 

SHE needed him. He was too precious to her. She needed him to live, to protect, to fight just one more day. A battle to maintain honor and pride wasn't worth his life in her eyes.

Her pride was on the line as well, because she couldn't just stand on the sidelines and not do anything to help him… it would damage all she had strived to become. She wouldn't be worthy to be in the same squad as him if she just observed from the sidelines.

She kept telling herself all of these things as she quickly shoved him out of the way of the tentacles aimed for his body. Two shouts filled the air, though she barely heard them, as the warped monstrosities missed their target and struck another. She felt… defiled… and disgusting as they writhed beneath her skin, crawling in and out of her body, raping her through and through. She was being overcome, subdued, wasting away under the new inhabitant. She was not herself anymore.

Through the fuzzy haze, she barely saw the horrified look on Kaien-dono's face.

She would not have it any other way.

Because, most importantly, she didn't want to feel Guilty. Guilt plagued her being, shaped her into who she now once was. And she was disgusted with herself, moreso than this thing ever disgusted her. She was selfish… she didn't want to add on to that Guilt. The Guilt of running away, the Guilt of hiding, the Guilt of accepting without a fight…

…the Guilt of living.

They would hate her for being so selfish, but maybe one day they would understand. Someday way in the future, long past the time she was skewered by their zanpakutous. It was for the best.

Or so she had thought.

She'd thought they would fight back with a renewed anger. Seek vengeance on her disobedient, befouled form. She'd thought they would hate her, that they wouldn't hesitate.

But they did. And the last image she saw before becoming completely detached was two sets of pain-filled eyes uncertain of what action to take.

They haunted her vision as she fell into darkness.

She desperately tried to fight against the mind-numbing nothingness… to find something of solid composition to grip, claw, bleed. She needed to get back! Plead with them for her death! She needed to find control, to give them time to counterattack, to do… anything!

And so she twisted and thrashed against nothing and everything, slowly deteriorating with time.

And suddenly, it all came back with a brilliant clarity. She could feel the freezing rain striking her skin like needles, her clothing soaked and weighed down, a warm stickiness rushing down her arms, and a body leaned up against her front with a head on her shoulder.

"Ru…ki…a…"

Oh God, no, no, NO!

Kaien-dono, her Kaien-dono, lifted his head from her shoulder and looked at her straight in the eye. "You're… back. Yokatta." And he let off a heavy sigh and fell to the ground.

She stared horrified at the form before her, his body distorting as the hollow started to take over him now. He was a pitiful mess… a gaping hole in his side, gashes along his face that completely mutilated one eye, and a limb partially torn from his body hanging by some loose tissue. It made her want to throw up.

He chuckled in a voice that wasn't completely his own. "I was finally able to turn the tables on it. Force it into a corner and make it take over me instead." He was already beginning to sound stronger. He pointedly looked at her neck and then her zanpakutou lying in his hand. She could feel blood rushing out of the puncture and soaking the clothing on her shoulders and chest, but could make no move to do anything.

This was not happening, this was not happening, thiswasnothappeningthiswanothappeningthiswasno—

Suddenly, she felt something sharp shoved into her hands. It took a moment to realize it was her zanpakutou.

"Kill me."

What? "Ka-ka-kaien…-do—"

"Do it now! That's an order!"

She trembled at the words. An order. Where was…?

And then she noticed another body lying prostate about twenty meters away. Its head was completely lobbed off.

She shook even harder. It wasn't supposed to be like this, it wasn't supposed to be like this…

"Damnit, Kuchiki, don't hesitate! Kill me now!"

IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!

"RUKIA!"

And without warning, he desperately threw himself at her, impaling himself upon her zanpakutou. The sudden force overbalanced her, and they fell to the ground with him on top, his prone form still skewered.

They lied there for a few seconds, him coughing up blood on her and too weak to move and her too shocked to react.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. She was supposed to have died, alone, without the guilt of his death on her shoulders. She was supposed to have made the best choice… the path without any pain, shame, contrition, regret, or transgressions.

But in the end she only made things worse. And she still wasn't able to escape.

She guessed that this just went to show her that she could never escape her own Guilt. It was her burden to carry for the rest of her pathetic life.

"Go… men… Ru… kia," came the final words before he slumped against her body.

_No, I'm the one who should be sorry. I should have never been so selfish. I should have accepted wallowing in my own pain without a fight. I should have never run. But I did, and now you and Taicho have to suffer for my mistakes._

Tears finally started to rush down her face as she let go.

_I deserve this misery. Because I'm Guilty._

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A/N: Er… yes. That was very gruesome. Probably doesn't help that I'm listening to slightly depressing songs. "Another Day in Paradise" by Phil Collins is enough to subdue anyone's mood.

Besides, this is what I was going for. I wrote it to be highly morose and depressing. Because the situation lent itself to be like that.

I was trying to create a dynamic of Pride and Guilt with these two chapters, since I feel they highly contribute to Rukia's personality.

The next two chapters will tie into each other as well. And, I'm sorry to say, they will be depressing as well. Aren't you glad there were many negative humiliating things that Rukia avoided?

But don't worry! I'll be adding a bonus chapter (or two) that will be much more upbeat. With some romance! RenRuki romance! YAY!

Okay, please R&R! Thank you!


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